I thought that I know how to love someone, but I am not sure anymore. So, I looked it up in the Book of Love by Rumi. It was beautiful writing, but I did not feel warm, positive feelings about it. Instead, I started agitated and appalled by what’s been said in the book. Is love supposed to be melancholic longing? I thought that love allows creating positive, radiant, vibrant energy between two people caring for each other. With the strong bonding between the two, you can overcome any obstacles in life. I want to believe that love exists in the real world, helping the two to cope with a harsh reality – not in the sulking dream-like state.

Perhaps I am not ready to appreciate Rumi at this point in my life. Someday I hope to understand it better. More to learn.

I thought that I knew how to be happy, but when I faced a tragedy, it took away a portion of my brain to feel happiness, emotionally paralyzed. I need to put myself in rehabilitation to re-learn how to be happy. It may be snail-paced progress to re-learn it, but I will feel happiness again someday.

I have been the foul mood for many days now. I have been dealing with many sad things and frustrating things. I forgot to be happy. I was in pain.

Then I heard some inspirational talk and had an epiphany moment. For each sad, resentful thing I experienced recently, I determined to find a different perspective and be thankful for it. For instance, I sensed the ultimate betrayal from one of my friends recently. But dealing with it made me resilient and more compassionate toward others. I am thankful for it.

When we are in a deep, dark, gloomy place, it is hard to see the silver lining in the sky. But finding gratitude for what we have amid a crisis is a powerful way to cope with negative feelings….I will be counting my blessings tonight.

My friend who passed away and I had a falling out the past few years. I have a few regrets about what I could have or what he should have before it became too late. Now I am turning all the negative emotions into a learning moment: Learn to forgive.

With all the years of practicing and preaching kids at playdates in settling conflicts, I should be able to forgive someone without any issues. But the truth is that it is much harder than I expected. I forgive and forget, but a moment later, the same resentment comes right back, like waves of emotions eroding my mind each time.

So, I sought out my answer in Dr. Wayne W. Dyer’s How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: In 15 Steps. After reading it many times, I started to really understand what he means. My past history and all of my hurts are no longer here in my physical reality. So, why bother to hold on to them? I need to let them go. Let go and be like water. Every time I feel the surge of the negative emotion, I must let go. So, for now, whenever I feel the emotions, I put food scraps into the garbage disposal and say, “let go.” My therapeutic act to forgive and forget….

I miss him

I just lost my friend. I have known him for many, many years. He was a perpetual dreamer, seeking and learning for new ideas and inspiration from books to TedTalks all the time. One of his pet projects at his time of passing was to start his fitness website. His goal was to do blogging every day and inspire many people who want to be fit like navy seals. Along the way, he wished to be financially successful: someday, he wanted to be an independently wealthy man who can travel around and work from anywhere any time on a whim.

I don’t know how far along he was working on his website but I know that it is not public yet. So, I decided to carry on his wish to start a blog to inspire people who seek for happiness and better life just like he did. This will be a good way to cope with his sudden death and to remind myself that I need to keep learning just like he was doing.